alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
