god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
