my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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