4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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