oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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