apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize