i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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