final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
