There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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