I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
