She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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