Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
