My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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