peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
