he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Fuck appropriateness.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
