I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
