Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
