my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
