When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
