Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
