I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
