I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
