We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
