If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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