i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
