is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
