please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
