She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
