I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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