The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
