my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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