I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Two words: nipple clamps
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