you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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