I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
