Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Can I color on your dick again?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
