your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
