I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
