Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize