I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
