as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
