Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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