Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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