Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
