The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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