you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
