Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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