I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
