can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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