I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
