My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
