Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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