Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
