Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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