Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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